Will I Ever be Free From This Torment?
By Cathie
All I want is to be free
From this horrible thing they call IC.
Tortured & tormented day after day
Knowing this monster is here to stay.
Gone are the days that I used to be
Happy & healthy & so carefree.
I really want to feel okay
But I know my IC isn't going away.
So I suffer in silence trying to cope
Knowing full well that I'm loosing all hope.
* * * * *
If You Could Only Feel What I Feel
By Martha Grant
If you could only feel what I feel
IC has taken over my life, and its real
Days of pain, lethargy, are not so clear
A pain free day, is all I want dear.
I’m not the same person you fell in love with
IC had taken its toll, and its put me in this hole.
I once was carefree, and giggle would you and me
Now its day by day, I’m afraid I wont be set free.
This pain is nagging, burning, searing, you see
I just don’t know how to make you see, it not me…..
Its IC……that’s keeping me from being the wife and friend you need
You have stood by my side for all these years
But your sick and tired of hearing me, I know its hard to still care.
I am limited in what and when I can do, I know you try to understand
But how long can this be, I’m sorry my darling, but IC has taken me.
I’ve tried many treatments to set me free
Limited improvement is all it can be
I must live this life from now to eternity, but you have the option
If you want to be set free.
I love you, I need you,
But is very hard I see, to be with someone who suffers from IC
It’s long and dragged out, and suffering you must see.
We have our beautiful daughter, a TRUE BLESSING
It saddens me to know I cannot be the mother, she really needs
IC has taken that away, and it’s the hurting face that she sees
I’m unable to do what a mom should do, daily I struggle , I wish she did not have to see
I pray for her to be strong, and to understand “why me”.
She needs you there, to support her my dear
As she is so young, and needs to have fun.
I try to be strong, for you and for her, but please always know, I appreciate your love,
But need your support and understanding, because I need a safe place for landing.
* * * * *
Out of the mirror
By Bromwynn
I look in the mirror
I see two of me
one tired and hurting
and one who was free
When I try to touch the mirror
the free spirit disappears
the hurt one stands lonely
bound by her fears
I look deeper into the mirror
to find the woman without pain
only to find she is but a shadow
tho her anguish was plain
She wanted to reach out
her life to reclaim
but the outstretched hands finds nothing
except her half with her pain
Together they become one
these two in the mirror
my body betrays itself now
I can see the line is blurred here
I don't want to look now
I realize I am both women in the mirror
during day I fight with the pain
while at night I count my tears.
* * * * *
Honestly
By Bromwynn
What is pain? Is it only what the body feels?
or is it more in the mind? Does the heart tell
itself to keep beating? Have I only the pain
which courses thru my body and breaks my heart? NO
My pain is more intricate, more internally wired.
Tho my body burns, it is my mind that acknowledges it.
My mind hears my heart pound and scream, it feels my
reflex to run away. And still this is not all of my pain.
My bladder is tortured but my mind is imprisoned.
My heart is muted and my voice is choked.
And still, the pain I feel is deeper.
My pain is the look of rejection and hurt I create
on the faces of the ones I love most. IT is the
fear I see in my children, their fear for me.
It's the strain, the worry, the burden of grief I
see my Loren carry. It's there in my eyes too-
when the fire rages out of control and it holds me
fast in its grip. The things I miss out with my babies,
the quiet moments shared with Loren I could of had,
the peace that is shattered, and the faith I lose when
my spirit has had enough
The projects, the hobbies and joy of my kids stolen.
I hear my pain in words they speak when they too are
taxed too long. It's the angry bitterness that seeps out
of me, only to find my son took it up instead. It's the long
long hours in the night when I know I am on my own. It's
that nagging persistent kernel of worry, that this load might
be passed on. and sometimes its the wish to let go, to be
consumed, to let the fire win
* * * * *
For the record..
By Bromwynn
When I told you that I'm dealing well,
it wasn't true, I really lied.
I've prayed and read, I've seen some doctors
believe me man, I've tried.
Some days it feels like I'm just about there
just a shade or two out of my grasp,
but that sweet moment of control is fleeting
and all too soon it passed.
I went as far as I could
telling all to my beloved friends and family
only to see how little some of them tried
to mask their indifference from me.
I try with every breath
to take it one day at a time,
to surround myself with all things positive
and only to closest friends confide.
This is an every day, change at any moment,
one on one kind of fight.
It doesn't care where you are, who you're with
it attacks you with all its might.
One day I could be doing normal things
the next I'm trapped in bed,
you can smirk and sneer all you like,
just remember what I said.
When I said I was doing great, acted cool and smiled wide,
I knew you really didn't care, so for the record...
I really lied.
