Will I Ever be Free From This Torment?
By Cathie
All I want is to be free
From this horrible thing they call IC.
Tortured & tormented day after day
Knowing this monster is here to stay.
Gone are the days that I used to be
Happy & healthy & so carefree.
I really want to feel okay
But I know my IC isn't going away.
So I suffer in silence trying to cope
Knowing full well that I'm loosing all hope.
* * * * *
If You Could Only Feel What I Feel
By Martha Grant
If you could only feel what I feel
IC has taken over my life, and its real
Days of pain, lethargy, are not so clear
A pain free day, is all I want dear.
I’m not the same person you fell in love with
IC had taken its toll, and its put me in this hole.
I once was carefree, and giggle would you and me
Now its day by day, I’m afraid I wont be set free.
This pain is nagging, burning, searing, you see
I just don’t know how to make you see, it not me…..
Its IC……that’s keeping me from being the wife and friend you need
You have stood by my side for all these years
But your sick and tired of hearing me, I know its hard to still care.
I am limited in what and when I can do, I know you try to understand
But how long can this be, I’m sorry my darling, but IC has taken me.
I’ve tried many treatments to set me free
Limited improvement is all it can be
I must live this life from now to eternity, but you have the option
If you want to be set free.
I love you, I need you,
But is very hard I see, to be with someone who suffers from IC
It’s long and dragged out, and suffering you must see.
We have our beautiful daughter, a TRUE BLESSING
It saddens me to know I cannot be the mother, she really needs
IC has taken that away, and it’s the hurting face that she sees
I’m unable to do what a mom should do, daily I struggle , I wish she did not have to see
I pray for her to be strong, and to understand “why me”.
She needs you there, to support her my dear
As she is so young, and needs to have fun.
I try to be strong, for you and for her, but please always know, I appreciate your love,
But need your support and understanding, because I need a safe place for landing.
* * * * *
Out of the mirror
By Bromwynn
I look in the mirror
I see two of me
one tired and hurting
and one who was free
When I try to touch the mirror
the free spirit disappears
the hurt one stands lonely
bound by her fears
I look deeper into the mirror
to find the woman without pain
only to find she is but a shadow
tho her anguish was plain
She wanted to reach out
her life to reclaim
but the outstretched hands finds nothing
except her half with her pain
Together they become one
these two in the mirror
my body betrays itself now
I can see the line is blurred here
I don't want to look now
I realize I am both women in the mirror
during day I fight with the pain
while at night I count my tears.
* * * * *
Honestly
By Bromwynn
What is pain? Is it only what the body feels?
or is it more in the mind? Does the heart tell
itself to keep beating? Have I only the pain
which courses thru my body and breaks my heart? NO
My pain is more intricate, more internally wired.
Tho my body burns, it is my mind that acknowledges it.
My mind hears my heart pound and scream, it feels my
reflex to run away. And still this is not all of my pain.
My bladder is tortured but my mind is imprisoned.
My heart is muted and my voice is choked.
And still, the pain I feel is deeper.
My pain is the look of rejection and hurt I create
on the faces of the ones I love most. IT is the
fear I see in my children, their fear for me.
It's the strain, the worry, the burden of grief I
see my Loren carry. It's there in my eyes too-
when the fire rages out of control and it holds me
fast in its grip. The things I miss out with my babies,
the quiet moments shared with Loren I could of had,
the peace that is shattered, and the faith I lose when
my spirit has had enough
The projects, the hobbies and joy of my kids stolen.
I hear my pain in words they speak when they too are
taxed too long. It's the angry bitterness that seeps out
of me, only to find my son took it up instead. It's the long
long hours in the night when I know I am on my own. It's
that nagging persistent kernel of worry, that this load might
be passed on. and sometimes its the wish to let go, to be
consumed, to let the fire win
* * * * *
For the record..
By Bromwynn
When I told you that I'm dealing well,
it wasn't true, I really lied.
I've prayed and read, I've seen some doctors
believe me man, I've tried.
Some days it feels like I'm just about there
just a shade or two out of my grasp,
but that sweet moment of control is fleeting
and all too soon it passed.
I went as far as I could
telling all to my beloved friends and family
only to see how little some of them tried
to mask their indifference from me.
I try with every breath
to take it one day at a time,
to surround myself with all things positive
and only to closest friends confide.
This is an every day, change at any moment,
one on one kind of fight.
It doesn't care where you are, who you're with
it attacks you with all its might.
One day I could be doing normal things
the next I'm trapped in bed,
you can smirk and sneer all you like,
just remember what I said.
When I said I was doing great, acted cool and smiled wide,
I knew you really didn't care, so for the record...
I really lied.
* * * * *
Extreme Pain I & II
Two paintings by Crystal Eve Burton
I painted both of these during extreme pain, suffering and frustration. Words can never express how much I have lost because of my suffering. I have little faith at all, in anything, or anyone, anymore. Words can not express the anger I feel that I, and so many others, suffer and have our lives taken from us, by a crippling disease, and no one seems to care, or believe us.
* * * * *
The Bottle & Me
By: Liz G. aka Bromwynn
I look at the bottle of medicine, it's that time of night
the house is silent, my children and husband asleep, where I should be too.
Instead I'm staring at the bottle that sits high up on its' shelf. I'm afraid again.
I hate taking them. But I hate being alone with the pain worse. I war within myself:
do I take them or try to put off the pain longer? I try to do the relaxation breathing,
I try to mediate, I try to imagine myself in a "happy place" somewhere warm and
beautiful, the breeze teasing my hair as I walk hand in hand with my love, and listen
to the laughter of our children echo back to us. I try so hard.
If you only knew how I hate having to take this and every other medicine this disease
calls for. I don't want them, I want to live without it all. In my head I know, take the
pill and take care of myself, I need my strength for tomorrow. Take it and take care of me.
Only I know others think otherwise, that I take it for uses I can't fathom chaining myself to.
They think it's all for attention, for sympathy,for the excuse.
Let them think it.
I wouldn't curse anyone with this. I wouldn't condemn them for only doing what they have to, to live, to survive.
So I stare at the pill that's in my hand now. I'll take my medicine and stay strong, stay on top of this. I will get through this night, this moment. I will stand tall and unflinching when they make their claims. I know the truth, and I don't have to excuse myself for anything.
* * * * *
I Miss the Me I Used to Be
By Shannon S.
I miss the me I used to be, full of life, laughter and so care-free,
My body felt no pain at all, was never sick and no doctors did I ever have to call.
My life has changed so much since then, I miss the me I was back then. My world has changed in every way from the job I have to the things I say. I cry so much from the pain that sometimes I find it hard to have the will to stay. Then I think of how blessed I am in many ways, with 4 wonderful children and a husband who didn’t run away. I never imagined I would become so sick and my world would change lickety split. I was only 32 when I started to notice something was not right but never imagined it would make me have to put up such a fight.
The expenses involved, the changes in me, doctor appointments, so many embarrassing things all because of IC, something I had never heard of, it meant nothing to me…I hope that one day it just goes away and I can be free, free to be me once again.
* * * * *
Invisible Illness
By B. Vogt
For those of you who are tired, in pain and can't get out of bed
For those of you who have seen doctors, who tell you it's all in your head
I write to you now to let you know I can hear your cry
As we everyday deal with an illness and part of us seems to die
There are thing to live for, pleasant experiences to feel
So please don't let this illness destroy your will
Your soul which is strong and wanting to play
Trust me it will be allowed to one day
In the meantime hang on and don’t lose hope
There are those who love you and will help you cope
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